Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
