Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
