i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
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