Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
