ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
