When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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