Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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