if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
