Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
two words: eviction party
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
