Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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