Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
