i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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