So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
