if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I'm like, not good at living.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
