Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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