I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
