My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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