Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
