i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
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After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
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So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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