She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Did you pee in the oven last night??
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Shame is for Republicans.
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