Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
we should paint friendship bongs
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
