Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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