Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
