We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
