yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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