There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
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I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
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Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize