mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
