my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
