I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
