I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
