obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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