I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
