she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
