im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
So much rum. So many feels.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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