At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm experimenting with sincerity
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
