Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
