they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I fill condoms, not promises.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
