I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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