you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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