i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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