think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
