I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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