If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
