There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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