Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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