my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Randomize
