Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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