My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
