I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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