I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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