I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
