I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
