Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
