I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
