how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
